I know you have seen, and are seeing, everything going on inside my heart and head this morning. You also know that my heart is in an angry turmoil about everything. Lord, I'm not You. I can't walk in love 24/7, and it's getting to where I can't even walk in love at all. I find it odd that I can have patience with the world, because after all, "they" are acting like who "they" are--children of satan. People who have, for whatever stupid reason they can conjure up, have decided to reject You, Your love, and Your salvation. So of course they would act the way they're acting.
But, Lord, it's Your other kids that I'm having a problem with. They've probably also come to You and said they're having a problem with me, too, huh? Now, I heard the sermon this morning. I heard the preacher implore the listeners to not try to shut the River of Life (Jesus) up within, and not allow it to flow onto others. I can agree and understand that. He also shared about a time when he felt he was doing 'good' by volunteering in a community home, and had his inner heart revealed to himself. Not a pretty sight, as he was more concerned with what others thought about him and what he was doing, who he was with, and why he was doing whatever. I understand that. I understand about misplaced dependencies, and how that too much focus on what others think of us at any given time, is one of the primary ingredients for depression. It makes sense.
However, Lord, here's where I am at a loss: What to do when other people's opinion of me interfere with a goal of mine? The goal isn't a bad goal--just wanting to get things organized and set up in a certain way. Things that I'm sure don't matter to you. What to do, if people think I'm CONSTANTLY incapable of doing things, and are CONSTANTLY getting in my way to 'help", or to deny access, or simply belittle me because they think I'm incapable? Lord, as you well know, I'm so fed up with some of Your kids, I want to SCREAM!! Yes, they're probably fed up with me, as well.
The preacher made several valid points this morning--he referenced I John 3:
But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk, but in deed and in truth.
Lord, I want to do JUST the opposite. But that totally goes against Your Word. Don't get me wrong (As if You ever would) I'm not anti-helping people, I'm anti-always-getting-belittled, taken away from me, simply because "they" (whoever the "they" are at any given time) have decided that I can't, or shouldn't, do or think whatever.
I seriously don't know what to do at this point, Lord. Will You send me someone, something, a hint, as to how to abide in You during these times? I can put up with it, in fact I HAVE put up with it--for a while...but the pot's a boiling and it's threatening to blow. What would you have me do? I know what I want to do---bring up this huge file of everything that's been done against me, and throw it back in this offender's face. The offender, by the way, is on of Your kids. In fact, I have several files on several of Your kids. I suppose several of them have files on me, as well.
It's been said that anger is fear in disguise. I suppose that could be true. In this instance, what am I afraid of? Getting all of my 'toys' taken away from me because someone else has decided that I'm not safe enough to have them? So I act out in anger, hoping that the offender will go away and leave "my toys" alone? I suppose. Also, I need to really learn--worse case scenario, what if my toys WERE taken from me? Could I live without them? Do I trust You when You say You will provide our needs? If I indeed need these so called 'toys', won't You supply them for me?
That makes sense... I'll have what You want me to have, and being the God of Love that You are, it'll be the right things. I feel somewhat better now.
So, Lord? What about my heart? I know Jesus lives within, and He is constantly working, and growing me. So, having done all, just stand? Oh--and get rid of my 'toys'. If I have nothing to lose, then I'll lose nothing.
I realize my heart isn't benefiting the Body of Christ as a whole just now, and I don't like that. Makes me sad, knowing that there might be a tear in the Body, and I'm the cause of that tear. But to be honest, I don' t know how to fix it. I'm not as angry as I was, but the distrust is starting to to grow by leaps and bounds. Is that really the way You'd have us live with our brothers and sisters in Christ? Somehow I doubt it. I really don't know how to fix it, though.
So, I'll wait, and just let You repair both my heart, and my attitude.
Thanks for listening, Lord. You listen like no other.