Sitting in front of a fireplace, I'm mesmerized by the sparks dancing around the wood like fireflies. Alone in the dark, my world is quiet, the warmth of the fire relaxing me, lulling me to drift off in my thoughts. Cuddled up with my favorite pillow, I appreciate the warmth amid the weird winter weather that has seemingly engulfed half the country. I am alone, but I am safe.
Then the tears come. Why they fall, is a puzzlement to me, even as they soak my robe. Really, I have no reason to be sad. The painful memories that came barging into my conscious unannounced was more than I could handle. I thought I was over that. Normally, I can take thoughts captive, realize my mind needs renewing, and can set about doing that. Why can't I muster up the self discipline now? You see, a couple of years ago, I had someone inform me pretty much that he and I were NOT friends. It was merely a misunderstanding on my part. We were two people that had the responsibility of working together. We were civil, polite, and very good at what we do. We served the same God, understood the New Covenant, but please make no mistake. We were not friends. Oh it hurt--tremendously. Naturally, I scanned through the list of things that I might've done wrong to deserve this, but could think of none. When I asked why, his reasoning was that I had too many ways to contact him. He failed to mention that although I had several of his contact information, I seldom used any but two. Again--they were used for work-related items. Still, his reasoning stood. Whatever. It did no good to pursue the subject.
FWD to now. Since then, I have gotten over it (?), and moved on. Still work relations, but I am very careful not to travel in our circle of friends the same time he is. I'll not go where I'm not wanted. Besides. Jesus loves me. That simple statement, "Jesus loves me" is no longer just a nice fluffy church phrase to draw upon when I have nothing else to say--it's now a reality in my life. God knows just what I need, when I need it, and how I need it delivered. Many times over, in desperation, I have called out to Him, and He so lovingly took care of my needs. Blown over, I was, many times over, when God would work things just right in my life where there was no mistaking that it was Him working in my life. I cherished those times. There are too many to count, as I reflect back on the times that our great big God so lovingly worked things out in the name of His love for me. At the same time He was working things out for me, He was working things out for His kids all over the world. Wow.
So, why then, were tears falling over a past hurt that I was pretty sure I had gotten over? HAD I really gotten over it? I suppose it was nothing more than the old devil, seeing a crack in the door, took advantage of. Scripture tells us over and over again to take our thoughts captive... to think of things that are pure, lovely, of good report, and to function with the mind of Christ. All of these things have to do with our minds. Could it be that the apostles knew something we're just now beginning to realize? Our mind is a battlefield. When we worry about tomorrow, cry over yesterday, we're attempting to live in some other time than 'now'. "Now" is all we have. Our past is gone, our future here on earth is not guaranteed, our future with God is secure.
Do you find that when you're exhausted, both mentally and physically, that those memories of heartache come flooding back? We're weak, we're tired, we need rest from our responsibilities for just a bit. I have learned, that it's okay to weep if needed. There's no reason to feel guilty when I break down and cry over a memory in a weak moment. I know I'll get over it. I know God loves me too much to leave me in the condition I'm in. My mind definitely needs renewing. That's not something that can be done by me. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. I have full confidence that, even while I'm bawling like a baby over memories I have no business resurrecting, God won't leave me. I know that, although sorrow is here now, joy will come in the morning. It will be better. My mind will be renewed on the truth. Jesus is that truth. All else is just minor things.
Feel like crying? Go right ahead. Feel like being angry? Go right ahead. God won't leave you. Better yet, He'll grow you past that hurt, and onto dependence on Him. He's just that way. :-)
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