Monday, June 28, 2010
Rise and be healed--no thanks, I'm fine.
What must others think? Involved in the music ministry, it didn't make sense to not have my full hearing. What was God thinking? The doctors wanted to heal me, but couldn't; God could heal me, but wouldn't. Inside I was crushed. Did God WANT my music to not sound good?? Didn't He realize how much more efficient I could be if I had my full hearing?
I understood none of this. For years, my confused shame was pushed way down, invisible to everyone around me. Maybe God was testing me. Maybe God was punishing me. Maybe God.... maybe God....
I give up.
Trying to ignore my hearing problem was easy, except when we had sound check on Sunday mornings. "Can you hear this at all??" The sound guy would ask, when he noticed me pulling the hot spot practically into my ear. "I can turn it up more, but you really need to get your hearing checked" he finished. Yeah. Right. I wanted to scream. Yes, I KNOW I'm half deaf, thank you. I KNOW I can't hear... I KNOW I'm pushing your monitors to the limit..sigh. Years of failed surgeries, failed faith, and failed healings reminded me that yes, I was hearing impaired, and doomed to live that life until I died. The love for the piano didn't die, nor did my hearing improve. Stale mate.
Until, one night, the preacher was trying his hardest to preach on a certain subject but God kept tugging him back to II Corinthians 12:9. God's grace is sufficient for us. We were reminded of the verse that most of us could quote in our sleep, but sadly, very few of us had applied it to our lives. The preacher confessed that he didn't know why some folks got healed, and some didn't. He wasn't Joseph--he didn't interpret dreams. All he knew was what the apostle Paul said: God's grace is sufficient for us. Three time Paul asked God to remove a thorn in the side, but God didn't remove it, He merely stated that He was enough for Paul.
Strange things happened within my heart at that point and time. My heart leapt for joy. I knew I had a decision to make. With or without hearing, was God's grace sufficient for me? God revealed to me in a loving way, my angry attitude towards Him for the past several months. My hearing impairment embarrassed me, kept me isolated, and often would wind up in shouting matches with my parents, who were frustrated in having a daughter that couldn't/wouldn't hear them. I made a decision that night. The preacher asked--with or without our specified healing, is God still God? Will we allow Him to be the God of our lives? Will we quit making demands on God? Just let Him be God, and see what happens? Emphatically, I cried YES from within. With tears streaming down my face, I apologized to God for being such a bratty Christian. Of course, He was not judging me. He was not punishing me. He loved me. God was getting me, when I didn't realize I needed getting.
So, what about you? Do you have any situations of frustration that really irk you? Do you find yourself getting short tempered, because God isn't moving in the way you'd like for Him to? Let me ask you this: Will you allow God to be God in your life regardless of whether or not the situation gets resolved? I guarantee you, you won't be sorry. To rest in His love, to trust His judgements..He gives you peace.
To date, I still can't hear that well, but it's okay. I don't hear my family snoring at night, I don't hear the screaming children during lunch duty, and God has sent family and friends who are okay with the fact that I don't hear good. They're fine with not trying to wash me with the annointing oil or fasting for weeks at a time in hopes of making God heal me. After all, God is God..
Is He for you?