Sitting in front of a fireplace, I'm mesmerized by the sparks dancing around the burning logs like fireflies. Alone in the dark, my world is quiet, the warmth of the fire relaxing me, lulling me to drift off in my thoughts. Cuddled up with my favorite blanket, I appreciate the warmth amid the weird winter weather that has seemingly engulfed half the country. I am alone, but I am safe.
Then the tears come. Why they fall, is a puzzlement to me, even as they soak my heart in sorrow. Really, I have no reason to be sad. The painful memories that came barging into my conscious unannounced caught me off guard. I thought I was over that. Normally, I can take thoughts captive, realize my mind needs renewing, and can set about doing that. Why can't I muster up the self discipline now? You see, a couple of years ago, there was a friend that informed me pretty much that he and I were NOT friends. It was merely a misunderstanding on my part. We were two people that had the responsibility of working together. We were civil, polite, and very good at what we do. We served the same God, understood the New Covenant, and were both members of the Body of Christ; but please make no mistake. We were not friends. Oh it hurt--tremendously. This was such an "anti-God" moment. Naturally, I scanned through the list of things that I might've done wrong to instigate this, but could think of none. When I asked why, his reasoning was that I had too many ways to contact him. He failed to mention that I never used half of them. Again--they were used for work-related items. Another reasoning was that I received more of his time than anyone else. He again failed to mention that over half of our communications were at his initiation, dealing with work related projects. Still, his reasoning stood. I was not welcomed, nor was I wanted. Surprised and hurt, I quickly retreated from his presence.
FWD to now. Since then, I've grown past it (?), and moved on. Still work relations, but I am very careful not to travel in our circle of friends the same time he is. I'll not go where I'm not wanted. Besides. Jesus loves me. That simple statement, "Jesus loves me" is no longer just a nice fluffy church phrase to spew when I have nothing else to say--it's now a reality in my life. God knows just what I need, when I need it, and how I need it delivered. Many times over, in desperation, I have called out to Him, and He so lovingly took care of my needs. Blown over I was, many times over, when God would work things just right in my life where there was no mistaking that it was Him working in my life. I cherished those times.
So why then, were those tears falling in response to the memory of the heartache? I was over it, wasn't it? or HAD I gotten over it? Before now, there were several times that I could be reminded of that incident and merely shrug my shoulders at it and go on about my business. I knew my identity. I am a child of God, and nobody could take that away. GOD wanted me, even if no one else did, and God let me know it, too.
This could be why Paul encourages us to take every thought captive in II Corinthians 10. He talks about demolishing pretensions that go against God. This particular memory is definitely against the things of God. Take that thought captive. Think of, instead, the things that are pure, lovely of good report... whatever is praiseworthy. In fact, Paul spoke several times to several groups of people about their thinking habits. Let's face it. People, (including myself) are going to behave as jerks. Sometimes we'll apologize for it, sometimes we won't. However, instead of dwelling on the times that we've all behaved as jerks at one time or another, dwell instead on how much God really DOES love us. Know that He would never treat us as badly as we treat each other. Everything He does, no matter how harsh at the present, is done so out of love for us. What greater Valentine's Day gift can there be, than for Him to give us Eternal life? The things He had to do to ensure our Salvation was so very great. Only God could have pulled something like that off. Only God would have wanted to do in the first place.
So now, I can snuggle back down with God and my fire, and enjoy it. Will those memories bombard me again when I least expect it? Probably. Will I be caught off guard? More than likely. However, knowing that I belong to God, because God WANTS me to belong to Him, will soon overpower those heartaches and once again, I can bask in the love and mercies of Christ Jesus, my Savior. Feel free to join me!