I guess today hit me square in the face with the reality that we are not on the 100 year plan. Not only that, but not everyone will remain who they are, or at least our vision of who they were.
Lord, it hurts so much, I can't stop crying. I know it's silly. There's quite a bit of guilt I'm heaping on myself, and I know that's just as silly. Of course, You know more about this situation than I do.
How well I remember the times of our jam sessions...him crawling all over the neck of his guitar, me watching him when I should have been watching the keyboard. All the other musicians wanted to fuss and fight for the spotlight, but he and I were content to hang out in the background. Lord, his wife was like a sister to me, how I enjoyed our Bible studies together! Watching their kids grow up, under the influence of music. Lord, where did it go off course? Yes, Lord, I know--it's really none of my business. But to die of a broken, lonely heart! If only I had known! If only I could have, just one more time, tried to present the gospel to him. To her. To them! Might this have been diverted? I suppose not. We're all going to have to go at some point and time, there's no getting around it.
Dear Lord, as heartbroken as I am, I have to confess I am very thankful that I know you can be counted on. You began this good work in me, You'll complete it. Of that I have the utmost confidence in. You've proven Yourself time and time again, that my life just isn't important to You in the sweet by and by, but rather, my life is in You, and with You in the here and now. I suppose, if my dear friend was ready to know that, You would have moved heaven and hell to make sure he got it, wouldn't you? Surely the answer would be yes?
My imagination is getting the best of me, as I imagine that sweet, mild brother under the load of despair, and wondering what was on his mind and heart in his last few minutes on earth. Lord, couldn't I have just had one more chance to share Your good news with him? I could kick myself..... the last time we spoke--I was in such a hurry to get away from the erroneous doctrine being preached, I simply left a pamphlet and bolted. Will that haunt me for the rest of my life?!?! Will I know better "next time" to ignore the taunts, the jeers, and share Your good news with those I love, because I DO love them.
Lord, what about her? Is it okay if our paths cross again and me share the Good News with her? Lord, don't let her buckle under guilt and despair, too! I've heard she's moved far away, but if I've learned anything in my walk with you--distance is so not a problem with You! Lord, renew my heart, and open my mouth that I may speak. Open my heart, so that I may love. Or if not me, then send someone she'll listen to. Send her someone who cares, someone who can be her friend in good times and in bad. Someone who won't judge her because of the past. It tears me up, knowing he died alone and broken hearted. It tears me up because it didn't have to be that way!! No matter the heartache that goes in our lives... You are our comforter! Didn't he preach that somewhere along the line? I pray, Lord... I pray, I pray, I pray he truly was one of your children. Maybe You were having mercy on him. He couldn't over come this broken heart, he couldn't whip the unwise decisions he was making. You called him home? You gave him the utmost healing of a broken heart. Perhaps, Lord, he is in your eternal embrace. He finally knows, Lord, that you are the healer of broken hearts. You are the giver of life. You are our very essence of living.
Although his music will lay silent in his grave, it is a joy to realize that he doesn't have to live this way anymore. My heart is still broken, grieving for his last moments on earth, but You, Oh Lord, are giving me comfort as only you can do. You are the Eternal Comforter in both this life and the next. Lord, in our deepest sorrow, you know how to life us up. You allow us to cry unashamed, You allow us to be broken, so that when we are put together by your love, it will be sealed. Your Love is eternal.
To this, dear Lord, I say thank you. Thank you for bringing comfort to my troubled soul. Thank you that, beyond my sight and reach, you are giving Your comfort to his kids and my sister friend as well. Thank you, Lord, that he is no longer suffering.
In this world we will have trouble, no doubt about it. But you've gone and prepared a place for us. I guess his place was finished. Where you are, he is now with you. Forever and for all eternity.
Amen.
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