Our family has been going through some serious issues of a health kind. Well--a financial time as well. Not to mention coming up on Empty Nest Syndrome. Of course, being a Christian family, we took it all in stride, and showed elegance, patience and kindness through the entire ordeal.
Okay--this is where you're supposed to start laughing.
Personally, I did none of that. I tried to put on a good show during the first part of the trial. Really? In view of what other people are going through, this trial isn't anything. But it wasn't just anyone's trials. It was ours.
We honestly tried to do everything right. Called the right people, filled out the right forms, graciously understood when we were met with, "Sorry, we can't do that because....." after all, this is how Christians act, right? We're not the only ones going through trials. We're not the only ones having doors slammed in our faces every time we try to move forward. But it's our job to make sure we handle everything with grace.
One such night, not too long ago, I experienced the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I was fed up. I had had it up to my ears and higher. Calling the pharmacy for refills, I was prepared to push all the right buttons for the animated operator. This has been done a million times before, not a big deal. Of course, that night, when at the end of the rope, fate decided to not play nice. I kept typing in the wrong information. It wasn't MY fault the numbers were rubbed beyond recognition. After several unsuccessful attempts, I gave up.
The phone is hurled across the room and shatters into a hundred tiny pieces, but I didn't care. This has been the month where NOTHING has gone right, and I couldn't take much more of it.
Honestly? I blamed God.
Granted, He didn't CAUSE our trials, but by golly, neither did we! God didn't cause them, but He sure didn't seem to be in any hurry to fix things, or at least change things. I had held it in long enough. That night, glaring at the shattered phone, it all came out.
Is God even AROUND anymore? Does He even care?!?! We have done everything by the rules that the corporation has given us, we have been patient, we have been courteous. God, we have TRIED to trust You, trust that You knew best, trust that You would have our backs, but now that our backs are against the wall, where ARE you, God??
During my whole rant--and mind you, this was not a soft spoken, "Our Father, Who art in heaven...."type prayer. This was a fall on your knees, I-have-had-it kinda prayer. During the entire rant, I never worried about God zapping me. I never worried about Him turning His back on me while I pitched a hissy.
Why? Simple. He's my Heavenly Father.
There was a time that fear kept me from being totally honest about my true feelings at any given time concerning God. If He didn't like something I said, or worse, thought--He'd disown me, or at the very least, take out one of the stars in my crown--or so I thought. Yessiree, that was a time of constant ulcers and anxiety attacks.
Not so, anymore. God has opened His heart to me, and allowed me to see that He loves me based on who He is, not based on what I did. Sure, I'd given lip service to all that before, but it was never a reality in my life until I started understanding the New Covenant. God used these guys to set me on that journey, and for that, I will be forever grateful.
According to this verse:
Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
I needed help, and I was confident that God still loved me.
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.God already knew our sins, and He took care of them. He didn't wait to be asked to take care of them (back in the Old Covenant days), but rather, at the right time, He sent Jesus. Motivation? Love for us. That was a universal love--He loves everyone. I needed an intimate love from God. He loves me when I'm behaving, or misbehaving. Not because of me, but because of Himself. He loves you, too. Even in your misbehaving ways, you are still wholly loved by God. You and I can't sin enough to make Him hate us. Ever.
After my rant with God, I calmed down a bit. The prayer softened some:
God? Remember that time You helped me find my text book? Remember the countless times you gave me nuggets right on time? Remember when You had the azalea bush of Granny's just burst forth with blossoms to calm my broken heart? Well, I really need you now--if You are REALLY part of this whole ordeal, if You honestly do a plan for all of this, and us, please let me know You're really involved in our lives. I need a sign. Let this laptop connect already!
Immediately the laptop connected to the wifi. Another proverbial straw was a new laptop that wouldn't connect. Why should it? Nothing else had gone right. Numb with frustration, I was all set to box it back up and return it. Call me crazy, call it a coincidence, but God truly did something intimate just for me, to show me that He's still involved in my life, and that yes, there's a plan going on that I'm not privy to. It's time to trust the Creator of the Universe that loves me perfectly, to know what's best--even if it drives me up the wall.
God hadn't left me. In the midst of my rant, and raging temper, God was still there. He promised never to leave me nor forsake me, and by golly, He keeps His promises.
What about you? Does it seem like nothing has gone right in your life, with no sign of letting up? Cry out to God. No, seriously, cry out. Scream. Yell. Accuse. He can take it. Don't be scared to let Him REALLY know how you feel--as if He didn't already know? When you get done with your temper tantrum, He'll still be there. He may calm the storm, He may calm you. Either way, you'll settle down and be able to go just a while longer.